We’ve been off work since Christmas. It’s very different to the old days when I couldn’t wait for the school holidays to be over! It’s been fairly cruisy. Both Beth and I are back to work on Monday.
We had a lovely Christmas Day. We spent it with Paul’s side of the family and Beth even had a little dip in their pool. She’s been quite emotional lately though so she had a bit of a meltdown which she normally doesn’t do outside of home. Or work. She knows that we now don’t trade presents but I guess last time I took presents wrapped for our kids so they wouldn’t feel left out while all the little kids got theirs. I explained all of this to Beth and suggested she took her books to read so that she still has a present that she had taken with her. Sometimes I find it difficult because she knows all the right things to say, especially if her mood is ok, but when she’s in a moment, all sense goes out the window and emotion takes over. I had to take her out of the room and talk quietly to her. She calmed down and went in the pool which helped but I must admit I felt sick and shitty that it just isn’t stopping and in fact in some ways is getting worse. When she’s like that she is expecting me to constantly say how much I love her, how I need to stop work and take her and pick her up from work, how I need to move back into her room. She has hated the days home when I haven’t planned something with her and it’s draining. When I tell her it’s my time off she corrects me to ‘our time off’. So she’s obsessional with Paul in a bad way and me in a needy way!
There has been some lovely moments though. We have been to the beach twice and went to visit family friends for boxing day and she had some time in the pool there. Mind you, she was ‘want to watch me Mum?!’ She loved the beach and really made me want to move there. I need to pull the finger out with my business I think!
Christmas was a success, with lots of nice pressies. I took Beth to the movies and she got to spend her money from Grandma and Grandpa on books, which she loves. We went to see Sing 2 which was great.
We had a little bit of excitement yesterday. I have been speaking to a driving instructor about Beth and she said I could bring her along to Bridie’s driving lesson and she’d give Beth a go. She said because it’s private property she wouldn’t need her learners. As organising her learners and lessons involves an occupational therapist, a doctors letter and an optometrist letter, as well as a reassessment for her NDIS plan I thought that would be a good way to see if she actually enjoyed it.
It’s a huge area with proper roads and signs. It was pretty scary but Beth got the hang of things such as the food pedals and was a star at indicating and hand breaking. But she wasn’t great at looking at the road, or staying on the left hand side of the road. When she had to use the pedals she would watch her feet the whole time and she drove into a ditch twice. Still, it was the first time. When we got out the instructor shook her head. She said that she didn’t feel that Beth could ever drive on a normal road. I said that I am under no delusions, I am well aware that she wouldn’t be able to drive on a road but that she had said that Beth could have lots of lessons there. I explained that I wanted her to have traffic awareness and I feel that this may give her perspective when crossing the road etc. In the end she said she’s happy to do it if I want to.
I explained it all to Beth, said she has to look at the road all the time and know what side of the road to be on etc. I said that the doctors form might not get her through, or the occupational therapist report, or her learners so she has to be prepared for that and she said she still wanted to do it. Even when I explained that she would probably never be able to get her actual licence.
So… I’m feeling a little shit at the moment. I love my girl so much but sometimes I fucking hate autism. It’s so unfair that she can’t do what others find easy. Crossing the road, watching tv with laughter tracks without having to hold their ears and run out. Cope with not getting a present like ‘the other kids.’ Have a boyfriend. Go out with her friends like her siblings. Have a friend….. I know there are so many with more difficulties and truly, I’m grateful for what I’ve got. But when I started this blog I wanted to write it warts and all. I like to stay upbeat but I also get down at times. Don’t stress, I’m ok, but things like yesterdays driving lesson, even though it was exactly what I thought, still throws me at times.
So I’ll leave you with a Beth funny. She bought me a mug for Christmas. Picked especially for me. It says “I love you more than chocolate.” I said ‘how lovely, you love me more than chocolate, that must be a lot then!’ She then said ‘I love you both equally!” Thanks love!
Thanks for reading beautiful people! xx
